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Kingdom of Loneliness
A little update - the docor finally found out what kind of virus it is and now I have to be patient and wait for another 4 weeks. Slowly I'm getting used to being at home :-)
Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
Letter 30
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: PG
Dear Casey,
when I left you after this significant and very emotional afternoon I was so relieved though I knew I couldn’t get it fixed completely. Too much happened. There are still so many things unspoken but I want to talk to you. Freely, frankly - no more lies.
You were so glad, maybe a little happy at this moment but scared as well – I could see it in your eyes.
I’m anxious to race, to go too far, to push and pull too hard. I told you we’ll make it slow so I will be patient, I have to be patient. It won’t be easy for me but I won’t lose you, Casey. That was close, wasn’t it?
Hell was the days before I talked to you, heaven will always be tomorrow. Somewhere between is the place I am now. It’s confusing? Yes…very much.
I know the dark, Casey – I’ve been there.
I know all kind of trouble ,I know the loneliness – I’ve been there, too.
But you opened the door, you lit a candle to show me the way. To walk along it’s now my part. No matter what I’ll try to find the courage to walk out of the dark … into the light.
Remembering the day I wanted you to go all I had was a sudden empty room with broken windows. The cold … the dark – a catastrophe. Alone is not temporary if I won’t change something, if I don’t face my inner-self as disgusting it will be.
I’ll fight for you, Casey and I’ll fight for myself as hard as I can. I’m always afraid it will be to much for you, that’s why I’m taking two steps back instead of one step forward.
I want to be saved but this isn’t your job. It’s me looking at the world in downpour and thunder, choking on my cowardice, pride, arrogance, weakness and distrust.
But I hope, no, I know there’ll always be your helping hand, your support and your love. Is it love? Won’t think about this now. That I won’t drown in empathy. I said ‘I love you’ – not exactly these words but sort of and I never meant something that serious. It goes so very deep, this makes me weak – you told me ‘no, Zeke. To love and to be loved gives you strength’. I so want to believe it, Casey.
Love. Like contact lenses. Close to the eye. Am I too close, Casey? Or am I too far away? Sometimes I can see clearly … everything … and nothing.
Compared to you I feel … small. But I will grow – slowly. Not only because of you, no. I’ve seen the future in love and trust, maybe sooner or later future will see me, too.
Love and trust. Meaningful words. Only words? No. Essentials of survival. You’re so giving, Casey. I’m not used to closeness, Casey, not that kind of closeness but I’ll learn to accept, to face that there is something good waiting for me.
When you told me yesterday ‘just lean back and relax’, this was so hard for me. It always is. It’s like I’m waiting for a big ‘bang’. So I’m always tense … beware of not losing self-control.
Should I disappoint you, even hurt you once more – believe me, Casey, it’s not my intention. If I am cruse, mean, thoughtless please tell me, it could be I won’t notice it at all.
You’ll learn a lot about me, Casey, but it’s me who’s scared like hell what lies asleep beneath the surface.
If the burden is too hard to carry feel free to do what you must. Just explain it to me, don’t act like I did.
Sitting here, writing this letter – I’m still not sure if I should give it to you –
hugging your jacket, imagining it would be you – I feel close to you. Oh Casey! I wish you would hold me now… I want to hold you, too. Really.
See you soon.
Yours,
Zeke.
Have a lovely evening, f-list!
Love,
Julchen
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*warm hugs and snuggles*
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This is such a moving letter. Zeke really needs to give it to Casey.
I'm glad they finally found out what you have, but another four weeks til you're better sounds so long! Hopefully it will be quicker than that. *hugs*
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The letter is wonderful. So much emotion, so much fear and hope in Zeke. I loved the part about holding Casey's jacket. So touching.
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Oh Mann, nochmal vier Wochen krank?! Das klingt aber wirklich böse. Aber gut, das die Ärzte endlich ein bißchen mehr wissen, dann geht's dir ja hoffentlich bald wieder ein bißchen besser!
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*and sends roses to you*
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Drink some tea relax.
When I started reading the letter I thought it was unusually frank; now I see he's getting cold feet about sending it. What's he gonna do?
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They still don't know what is making you so weak?! God, I wish there was a way for them to find things out sooner. I'm having the same problem with some of my health issues.
So how many hours are you sleeping per day? It must be so different compared to how you normally are, sleeping 4 hours a night.
Are you on any medication for it?
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How can you write so beautifuly when you're not feeling well? OO
I'm just happy the doctor found out (at least!) what it is and I hope you'll feel better really soon enough!
You'll have to stay home for a whole month? ;_;
*HUGS YOU TIGHT*
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*knuddelzzzzzzzzzzz* ;)
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*snugglehugs and zillions of little kisses*
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I'm at home for 9 weeks now but now I'm going to enjoy the time. Today I felt a little better than yesterday so I have to take little steps.
Thanks for everything, my dear!
Love,
Julchen
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Love you,
Julchen
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You liked the letter??!! This makes me simply happy !
*hugs and cuddles*
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Ich bin jetzt schon 9 Wochen zuhause und so langsam könnt's ein bisschen besser werden. Aber ich fühle mich heute ziemlich gut und bin recht guter Dinge. Ich kann mir gar nicht vorstellen wieder zu arbeiten, daran muss ich ja jetzt auch noch gar nicht denken, hihihi.
*knuddelz*
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Love and hug,
Julchen
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*shares hot chocolate with you*
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I can't stay awake for more than one hour and this really gets on my nerves. But today I feel pretty well and the blood test wasn't that bad.
Thanks for the tea (I LOVE your icon!), sweetie.
you liked the letter? Then it can't be too bad...
"What's he gonna do?"
I still have no clue, LOL. Next letter will be up soon, sweetie!
Thanks a lot for your lovely words.
*hugs tight*
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The blood test today wasn't that bad but I need cortisone again because of the allergies.
So good - so far, I'm used to it so this isn't a real problem.
This virus really knocked me out. I'm at home for 9 weeks now and I can't stay awake for more than one hour, can you imagine what this means to me? It's horrible to oversleep nearly EVERYTHING!
No medications because it wouldn't help. So all I can do is wait and be patient. Curled up with my kitties and Wolfi doing all the housework, laundry, even the cooking - it isn't that bad :-)
Miss you, dear. How are you?
Love and big tight hugs,
Julchen
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I'm so glad you liked the letter and there are so many more to come :-)
I'm feeling a little better than yesterday and this makes me very very glad.
I'm still at home since 9 weeks and now for the next 4 weeks - can you imagine I couldn't catch up with my f-list? But I'll be patient and do what the doctor said.
I'm so glad you're here, sweetie!
Love and hugs,
Julchen
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*fette knuddelzzzz zurühück*
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Nein, lesen bei Kerzenschein klingt nicht schlecht, aber wie meine Großmutter immmer zu sagen pflegte: Die schönste Krankheit taugt nichts, wenn man sich nicht wohl fühlt.
Also ich hoffe es wird bald Frühling und warm und Du kannst im Garten sitzen und später wieder draußen rumlaufen.
Alles Gute, Julchen!
*huggles*
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Alone is not temporary if I won’t change something, if I don’t face my inner-self as disgusting it will be.
That's such a perceptive and bleak thing for him to think. At nineteen, to face always being alone. He knows he'll have a hard battle with his own defensive nature and you can feel him gathering all his inner strength to face it. This should be a joyous time for him but he feels so afraid.
Hell was the days before I talked to you, heaven will always be tomorrow. Somewhere between is the place I am now.
This is so fatalist. You already know that he's seen and suffered more than anyone should at his age. But his self-expression is revealing. The sudden empty room with broken windows is such an eloquent description of loneliness.
It’s me looking at the world in downpour and thunder, choking on my cowardice, pride, arrogance, weakness and distrust.
Oh Zeke, you've got to let it go and realise the sun is shining. The beautiful dawn has come and there's a new friend to teach you how to see it, and see yourself for the good man you are inside. Don't be afraid of love!
*hugs tight*
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A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with myopic mascular degeneration in my eyes. I had developed a blind spot in my left eye which is what sent me to a specialist in Lindsay.
Lindsay is about a 45 minutes drive from here, so we had to get help from one of Jason's friends for me to get there. Linda took us there twice! She is such a wonderful lady. I gave her two of my necklaces as a thank you for all her help.
Recently I went to see my family doctor and he is going to refer me to a local specialist for a second opinion. He wants to make sure that the first diagnosis is right, because I'm way too young to have myopic mascular degeneration. He thinks it could be something else, but what I don't know.
And recently we discovered that Leia, our second oldest cat has breast cancer. The vet says she has about a few months left, so we're spoiling her rotten. Lots of love and treats.
I had found three lumps on her belly recently and I knew the moment I felt them that she had cancer. Jason didn't want to think that, so this has hit him harder then it has me. I've been trying to steel myself for the news, though every now and then it hits me and I break down.
It's hard to be happy when there are things like these to get me down. I know you must be feeling the same at time when it comes to your health. I wish I could be more like you, able to see the beauty in each day. Some days are just too dark to see the beauty in them. But then I think of you and I try a little harder to be happy.
One thing that does bring me a lot of joy is making my jewelry. I just recently finished a commission for
Here's my storefront so you can look at my recent additions: http://www.artfire.com/modules.php?name=Shop&seller_id=11809
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What a comment... I don't know what to say but thank you for all and everything!
Zeke has to get used to a lot, to learn a lot especially that he CAN trust Casey. He wants to, when he hugs Casey's jacket - imagining it would be him - he just wants to ...
*hugs you more hard*