Kingdom of Loneliness

[julchen11]

A little update - the docor finally found out what kind of virus it is and now I have to be patient and wait for another 4 weeks. Slowly I'm getting used to being at home :-)

Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
          Letter 30
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: PG 

Dear Casey,

 

when I left you after this significant and very emotional afternoon I was so relieved though I knew I couldn’t get it fixed completely. Too much happened. There are still so many things unspoken but I want to talk to you. Freely, frankly - no more lies.

You were so glad, maybe a little happy at this moment but scared as well – I could see it in your eyes.

I’m anxious to race, to go too far, to push and pull too hard. I told you we’ll make it slow so I will be patient, I have to be patient. It won’t be easy for me but I won’t lose you, Casey. That was close, wasn’t it?

 

Hell was the days before I talked to you, heaven will always be tomorrow. Somewhere between is the place I am now. It’s confusing? Yes…very much.

I know the dark, Casey – I’ve been there.

I know all kind of trouble ,I know the loneliness – I’ve been there, too.

But you opened the door, you lit a candle to show me the way. To walk along it’s now my part. No matter what I’ll try to find the courage to walk out of the dark … into the light.

 

Remembering the day I wanted you to go all I had was a sudden empty room with broken windows. The cold … the dark – a catastrophe. Alone is not temporary if I won’t change something, if I don’t face my inner-self as disgusting it will be.

I’ll fight for you, Casey and I’ll fight for myself as hard as I can. I’m always afraid it will be to much for you, that’s why I’m taking two steps back instead of one step forward.

I want to be saved but this isn’t your job. It’s me looking at the world in downpour and thunder, choking on my cowardice, pride, arrogance, weakness and distrust.

 

But I hope, no, I know  there’ll always be your helping hand, your support and your love. Is it love? Won’t think about this now. That I won’t drown in empathy.  I said ‘I love you’ – not exactly these words but sort of  and I never meant something that serious. It goes so very deep, this makes me weak – you told me ‘no, Zeke. To love and to be loved gives you strength’. I so want to believe it, Casey.

Love. Like contact lenses. Close to the eye. Am I too close, Casey? Or am I too far away? Sometimes I can see clearly … everything … and nothing.

 

Compared to you I feel … small. But I will grow – slowly. Not only because of you, no. I’ve seen the future in love and trust, maybe sooner or later future will see me, too.

Love and trust. Meaningful words. Only words? No. Essentials of survival. You’re so giving, Casey. I’m not used to closeness, Casey, not that kind of closeness but I’ll learn to accept, to face that there is something good waiting for me.

 

When you told me yesterday ‘just lean back and relax’, this was so hard for me. It always is. It’s like I’m waiting for a big ‘bang’. So I’m always tense … beware of not losing self-control.

 

Should I disappoint you, even hurt you once more – believe me, Casey, it’s not my intention. If I am cruse, mean, thoughtless please tell me, it could be I won’t notice it at all.

You’ll learn a lot about me, Casey, but it’s me who’s scared like hell what lies asleep beneath the surface.

 

If the burden is too hard to carry feel free to do what you must. Just explain it to me, don’t act like I did.

 

Sitting here, writing this letter – I’m still not sure if I should give it to you –

hugging your jacket, imagining it would be you – I feel  close to you. Oh Casey! I wish you would hold me now… I want to hold you, too. Really.

 

 

See you soon.

 

Yours,

Zeke.


Have a lovely evening, f-list! 
Love,
Julchen  

Comments

[shirebound]

Oh my goodness, that's a powerful virus! I'm glad the doctor knows what it is.

*warm hugs and snuggles*

[addie71.livejournal.com]

Sitting here, writing this letter – I’m still not sure if I should give it to you –
hugging your jacket, imagining it would be you – I feel close to you. Oh Casey! I wish you would hold me now… I want to hold you, too. Really.

This is such a moving letter. Zeke really needs to give it to Casey.

I'm glad they finally found out what you have, but another four weeks til you're better sounds so long! Hopefully it will be quicker than that. *hugs*

[aquila0212.livejournal.com]

Another 4 weeks! Oh my -- but I'm glad they know what it is now. Hopefully, the coming warm weather will make you feel lots better!

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

Poor darling, it's a mean virus that's got its hooks in you. I hope you'll start feeling better soon.

The letter is wonderful. So much emotion, so much fear and hope in Zeke. I loved the part about holding Casey's jacket. So touching.

[prisca1960.livejournal.com]

Of course, Casey is scared, but Zeke starts to understand. And he learns to show his feelings. I hope, he will give these letter to Casey - it could help a bit, to bring the boys together again.

Oh Mann, nochmal vier Wochen krank?! Das klingt aber wirklich böse. Aber gut, das die Ärzte endlich ein bißchen mehr wissen, dann geht's dir ja hoffentlich bald wieder ein bißchen besser!

[bellewood.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, this virus certainly has taken hold hasn't it. Thank goodness they at last lnow what it is. Take care sweetie xxx

[i-o-r-h-a-e-l.livejournal.com]

Oh, I want to hug Zeke! *hughug*

*and sends roses to you*

[romeny.livejournal.com]

Goodness this virus has really knocked you for a loop.
Drink some tea relax.

When I started reading the letter I thought it was unusually frank; now I see he's getting cold feet about sending it. What's he gonna do?

[random-fandom.livejournal.com]

Oh Judith, I just found this post. It takes me forever to go through my flist.

They still don't know what is making you so weak?! God, I wish there was a way for them to find things out sooner. I'm having the same problem with some of my health issues.

So how many hours are you sleeping per day? It must be so different compared to how you normally are, sleeping 4 hours a night.

Are you on any medication for it?

[babydracky.livejournal.com]

oooh!! This is so lovely, hon!
How can you write so beautifuly when you're not feeling well? OO

I'm just happy the doctor found out (at least!) what it is and I hope you'll feel better really soon enough!
You'll have to stay home for a whole month? ;_;

*HUGS YOU TIGHT*

[aredhelebenesse.livejournal.com]

Ach du meine Güte! Julchen, was ist das denn für eine garstige Geschichte, die Du Dir da geholt hast? Wenigstens weiß man nun was es ist und Du bist hoffentlich in absehbarer Zeit wieder heile. Ich wünsch Dir alles, alles Gute. Ruh Dich schön aus und werd bald wieder gesund!

*knuddelzzzzzzzzzzz* ;)

[aliensouldream.livejournal.com]

Reading this again, I am struck by the depth of self-revelation on Zeke's part.

Alone is not temporary if I won’t change something, if I don’t face my inner-self as disgusting it will be.

That's such a perceptive and bleak thing for him to think. At nineteen, to face always being alone. He knows he'll have a hard battle with his own defensive nature and you can feel him gathering all his inner strength to face it. This should be a joyous time for him but he feels so afraid.

Hell was the days before I talked to you, heaven will always be tomorrow. Somewhere between is the place I am now.

This is so fatalist. You already know that he's seen and suffered more than anyone should at his age. But his self-expression is revealing. The sudden empty room with broken windows is such an eloquent description of loneliness.

It’s me looking at the world in downpour and thunder, choking on my cowardice, pride, arrogance, weakness and distrust.

Oh Zeke, you've got to let it go and realise the sun is shining. The beautiful dawn has come and there's a new friend to teach you how to see it, and see yourself for the good man you are inside. Don't be afraid of love!

*hugs tight*