Kingdom of Loneliness

[julchen11]

Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
          Letter 11
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: PG

Dear Zeke,

 

you don't know how much your letters mean to me. They feel soooo alive, I can hear your voice, I can see your face, every movement you made, I can even see you sitting at your desk writing the letter to me.

You always leave me thoughtful.

I remember this very special moment when you told me something about your beloved grandmother. I guess she was the only one who was really interested in you, how you felt, what you thought. Her last words to you

 

"Don't worry, sunshine. You'll find someone special to love. This special person will love you with all his or her heart. Be a good person, Ezekiel, and life will be good to you as well. There will be good times and not so good time, but remember me, my boy. There is always hope. Even when you think it won't go on." With this words she closed her eyes forever you said. When you took my hands and kissed them, whispering "She was right, Casey. My grandma was so very right…" you looked so peaceful, though I could see the pain in your eyes.

We kept quiet for a while because no words were needed. I just held you, caressing your face, spellbound by just you.

 

"Zeke…"

"Hm…"

"are you tired?"

"No. Casey… Why do you ask?"

I put my hands on your chest, breathing in very deeply … "I told you … that there was a boy last summer. Then he kissed me but I couldn't kiss him back…"

"You don't have to do this, Case…"

"I know, but I want to… I have to tell you, Zeke…"

 

You pulled me closer, kissing my scalp "I'll listen, Casey…"

"I won't keep it secret … even it makes me feel a bit … uncomfortable – maybe you won't understand it. May I tell you?"

"you don't have to ask…"

You kissed me softly to ease the pain and pain it was.

 

"I met this boy on our holidays. We met a few times,  we talked and it was pretty nice.

After a few days he asked me for a date at the beach and because of the troubles I had with my parents I agreed … not only to provoke my dad, no… I was curious, too. I had fun, I enjoyed it and then he kissed me. Out of the blue. I was … shocked, surprised, but not disgusted … though I didn't feel ANYTHING. He asked me, begged me to kiss him back but I couldn't…"

 

"Do you know why, Casey?"

 

"Y…es. God, Zeke, it's so weird…"

 

"It bothers you, tell me, Case…"

 

At this moment I couldn't look at you, I felt insecure, weak and… so very crazy.

 

"The night before I had a dream. An incredible dream. God, I know you'll call me crazy, Zeke. I'm so scared to…"

 

"Casey, hey, Casey… I'm listening, ok? I won't call you crazy, I won't laugh at you, k?

I'll try to understand, don't be afraid…"

 

I snuggled closer into your arms, with my lips on your neck I started talking again.

 

"This dream still gives me chills, Zeke. In this dream there was a man I was … attracted to. He seemed to understand, he seemed to know me. My dreams, my secret desires…I couldn't see his face though he looked straight into my eyes. I couldn't hear his voice though he talked to me soft and tender. I couldn't feel his skin though I touched him. I enjoyed his company as much as I was scared. He was so lovingly but dangerous too. With him I felt safe, but I felt the need for protection as well. When I woke up next morning I didn't even know if it had been a dream because it felt so real. I could still feel his breath on my face, the taste of his skin on my palms…”

 

Hugging me tighter you asked me with a trembling voice "How did he look like? Do you remember anything?"

 

"I don't know exactly as I told you. But he was very tall and slim… strong, too. A little bit dark and scary.

When the beach boy kissed me it just didn't feel … right. It wasn't fair to him. Because the night before the man in my dreams kissed me, too. It felt like I would be flying… I remember the colour blue in this dream. Blue means stillness, depth, wideness… When he stopped kissing me he whispered "Wait for me, Casey…" and this time his voice sounded familiar somehow. I opened my eyes but I couldn't see him, Zeke. Because of him, because of the love in my dreams I couldn't kiss the other guy…

Zeke… Do you think I'm crazy?"

 

You didn't say anything but you started shaking, holding me tighter (I didn't know this would be possible) you SOBBED "Oh my god, Casey…Casey…Casey…".

I was more than confused because I didn't understand…

 

And then you told me…

 

 

With all my love,

Casey

.

Comments

[prisca1960.livejournal.com]

Hey ... this is ... this is ... you can't stop there! This isn't fair! ;)

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Letter 12 is coming soon, sweetie!

[addie71.livejournal.com]

Oh how wonderful, but I need more NOW!

I love Zeke's Grandmother; I'm so glad he had her in his life.

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

You made me smile, sweetie. So you need more? Now? Hang on, my dear. Letter 12 is coming soon :-)

[addie71.livejournal.com]

*smooches you*

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

Here we go, sunshine: http://julchen11.livejournal.com/156635.html

[addie71.livejournal.com]

*squeals and runs to read*!!!!

[lisabellex.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I love that Casey had that experience on holiday, but was stopped from following through and kissing the boy because of his dream. So mysterious! Very romantic.

:D

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot, Lisa. Mysterious and romantic - sometimes we need just this, right? :-))

[babydracky.livejournal.com]

So cute! I love it!!!
But now we definitely need letter 12, don't we?
We have to know why Zeke is so troubled.
I love that Zeke had his grandmother to talk to and to love.

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

*blows little kisses to you*
Thanks a lot, darling. You'll know very soon ... *smiiiiles*

[babydracky.livejournal.com]

*catches all the little kisses*mine mine mine*
♥♥♥

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

So here we go again, sweetie: http://julchen11.livejournal.com/156635.html

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

I'm glad Zeke's grandmother was in his life. He was loved even before Casey, and that's good. And Casey's dream sparked such a strange reaction in Zeke. I hope you'll give us more soon. I'm so curious to know why Zeke cried.

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Julia. I think Zeke's grandmother was just like that, lovingly and caring for her little boy. You are curious? That's soooo good! :-))

[bagma.livejournal.com]

Oh, you can't stop here!... *cries* Well, obviously you can, but don't let us wait too long for Zeke's answer, please!:)

Thank you for this fascinating and very intriguing letter.

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

No, honey. You don't have to wait too long :-))
Thank YOU for your lovingly reply, sweetie! *hugs you close*

[romeny.livejournal.com]

Oh Noes...don't stop now, where's letter 12? This is wonderfully intriguing.

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

So you are curious how this is going on? That's a great compliment, sweetie!
Thank you!
((((((((((((((((romeny))))))))))))))

[aliensouldream.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you're posting this again, Julchen!

I just adore Casey here, so tender and quiet, and all the focused attention he's giving to just Zeke. You can feel him absorbing this special time, quivering with emotion and pride at being the one Zeke has opened up to with such private memories. He's so tentative in touching him, slowly gaining confidence. He needs to share his own deep secrets. And when he starts to speak, you can feel how hesitant he is at first, then the words come thicker and faster, until he must tell Zeke everything. They are so close here, I just want to hug them both! Holding and supporting each other emotionally as well as physically. It's beautiful and exciting and hints at bigger secrets to come.

More!!!

*hugs*