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aliensouldream , thank you darling! This letter is for
addie71 Love you all,
Julchen
Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
Letter 12
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: G
Dear Casey,
you call yourself crazy because of this dream? Oh, Casey… It isn't you, believe me, it isn't you… You can't imagine what happened inside my … head when I listened to you.
Talking about your 'dream lover' and the reason why you couldn't kiss the other boy.
Oh my God! Oh my fucking God!
It took me hours to explain it. You looked so hurt and first I couldn't do anything against it.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Why is it always easier at night, especially to talk about something … weird.
In your presence I feel naked, naked as a new born child and so damned vulnerable. Because I care, because you care for me…
Standing at the window I started …
"I had dreams, too, Casey. I always had dreams. Dark dreams. Nightmares. Most of the time I felt haunted in the night. In the cold. I felt like iron fingers wrapped around me … around my heart. I always ran as long as I could but there was no escape. Not a single night. Sometimes the coldness wouldn't go away even when I was awake. It made me nervous and angry. It wasn't always the same dream but all dreams were similar … sort of."
"When did they begin, Zeke?"
"Maybe 2 or 3 years ago, I don't remember…"
"Why have you been that beside yourself when I told you about … my dream? I don't understand… "
It was so hard to go on, maybe you won't believe…
"Zeke, hey… I'll listen to you, ok … "
"In those dreams there was a man haunting me. Dressed in black, tall and slim … a stranger yet he seemed so familiar to me. But – like you – I didn't see his face… never … until…"
I had to stop to soothe my nerves.
"Until?..."
"Until last month. He turned around and … and…"
"Zeke, whom did you see?"
You whispered, your voice was shaking as much as mine when I continued.
"He turned around and it was me. It was me, Casey. I was shocked, couldn't sleep for days… I didn't dare to sleep… The worst of it … do you really want more, Casey? I could stop if you want me to …"
"No, Zeke. Go on…"
"I was so … cold, emotionally dead, mean, torturing and hurting other people. Especially one guy. I didn't know him. Another time I couldn't see the face. I treated him night by night, it was all the more dark.
One night the colour of my dreams changed into … blue… and I KISSED that boy. Not a tiny little kiss, not a simple kiss without any meaning… God, no. It felt so … real… passionate, demanding, never ending until the boy … faded. I was looking for him in my dreams, in real life, too. It only happened one time but I could feel this kiss for weeks. I felt disgusted by myself, confused, thrilled … dead because I never saw him again.
As I said – I never saw his face but then I saw you at the school yard like I did before. There was something different going on. This time I REALLY looked at you "
Hugging myself, crouching on the floor, I couldn't stop. Casey, you looked so pale, shocked and thunderstruck… No… I couldn't do this to you but you didn't even try to stop me…
"I wanted to find out what those dreams meant but I didn't dare to look for it. I struggled for words, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight … It hit me like an arrow. The centre of my desire was you. All desperation, yearning, lust, obsession … ended in you. When we shared the first tiny little kiss I knew the guy in my dreams was you. It wasn't a joke when I told you you are in danger, Casey. I want you, Casey, more than anything else but I fear for you because of me… I don't know what will be happening, it could be I'll hurt you, Casey. Not on purpose, believe me…
When I kissed you last night, I was … out of control, I can't describe the feeling… when we broke the kiss it was hard for me to come back, back to myself… out of you… Casey…"
Sinking down on my knees you came to me, holding me, rocking me like a child. I felt so embarrassed… no… ashamed..
"Casey, maybe you should go away as long as you can …"
"Zeke, my Zeke. It was a dream, it was just a dream…It shows me how lonely you must have been the last years. But now I'm here and I won't go. I'll never go."
"But Casey … I can't guarantee for anything. I'm afraid …"
"Shhhh… Zeke… listen…"
When I looked at your face I saw … love… pure and deep love.
"Casey. You don't have to do this. Casey, please …"
You hugged me tight, pushing me down on the floor … with you on top of me, your arms around me, my heart was beating in my throat…
"Zeke. You are my dream lover, let me be yours … You have to learn how to feel… let me teach you… please…"
And then you kissed me and I passed out.
Love,
Zeke
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no subject
Date: 2009-02-22 11:05 pm (UTC)From:This is really...AMAZING^^
I really like that part a lot!
Poor Zeke. He needs to let go, to have Casey loves him and believe that he deserves it.
Poor little thing. Casey will have to give him a lot of kisses to make him feel safe and better!
^^
♥
no subject
Date: 2009-02-22 11:44 pm (UTC)From:Oh how lovely this was and true, they have so much to teach each other if they each let go.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 10:11 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 10:11 pm (UTC)From:Thank you so much, baby! You're simply a darling!
Love,
Julchen
no subject
Date: 2009-02-23 12:02 am (UTC)From:I love this so much, thank you for dedicating this one to me.
*hugs you tight*
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 10:13 pm (UTC)From:*hugs back very hard*
no subject
Date: 2009-02-23 02:55 am (UTC)From:This is lovely. These boys shall LOVE. :D
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 10:14 pm (UTC)From:Zeke just has to learn to let it happen ... but it won't be easy.
"These boys shall LOVE...."
Word to this!
Love you,
Julchen
no subject
Date: 2009-02-23 09:53 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 10:15 pm (UTC)From:"He has to learn that Casey loves him and he can trust him.."
It'll be a long long way for both of them.
*hugs tight*
no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 10:08 pm (UTC)From:Emotional vulnerability is so much more intimate than physical, isn't it? When we unburden our secrets, people have so much more power to hurt us. Casey and Zeke are both being very brave here. Zeke does sound desperate, confused and upset. There is a sense in which he realises it's not right to involve Casey when he is so unclear about who he is. He warns him away, afraid he'll hurt him, but why? Because he doesn't know how to feel about himself, because he's astonished at his own capacity for passion and how that could break out of his control.
But how can they help themselves? How can Zeke resist a fearless, tender Casey, begging to be let in? Oh, he can't, I hope he can't!!!
Wonderful, dear! *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2009-03-04 10:21 pm (UTC)From:I think his greatest fear is to hurt Casey. Not only physically, maybe emotionally. This would hurt both of them ... If Casey will be strong enough, he simply has lots of doubts...
Thank you so much for your wonderful words, dear.
For your support and inspiration I can't thank you enough.
Love,
Julchen