just thinking ...

[julchen11]

This is for my dear honeyandvinegar 
Thanks so much for everything, sweetheart!

Title: Diary
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: PG

Finally everyone is gone, now I have the place all to myself. My heart is racing as I run my hand over your jacket – did you forget it on purpose? I hope so.

 

My diary – my constant companion through all the years. Sometimes I turn back the time, reading entries of former days. Memories.

 

I call it dream dictionary for a short time because the last weeks were like a dream. No one knows about my diary, not even Casey -  it’s just for me. To keep my memories,my secrets, my desires.

 

Entry of today, 2 a.m.

 

We talked a lot these days, Case and I. I like him.

We talked about dreams. Dreams have been a mystery to people since ever. They are communication of body, mind and spirit. We want to understand them, to know what they mean. I think we dream nearly all the time, even while awake or should I say especially while awake. Different states of consciousness like bored, excited, drowsy, alert, asleep, awake,

Concentrating or daydreaming – cause different activity… brain activity.

I never called myself a dreamer. Of course there I imagined things but imaginations are nothing compared to dreams.

Last night I had a strange dream of caged hawks and a shadow asking me always the same question “Have you ever met a guy who seemed to be Mr. Right?” Mr. Right … if he exists… what would this mean. Casey? Casey, yes, Casey.

 

We share a deep emotional bond, I am the one he’s open up to, he’s looking to for support … inspiration? He listens to me, make me feel attractive, even beautiful? He constantly reminds me of how stunning I am. I’m always embarrassed , not that I would admit it. No. fucking. Way! I sound so selfish, my thoughts make me blush.

 

He makes me blush because Casey is all this. No words are necessary. He gives me comfort and security, the little question “How was your day?” brings him closer to me. We don’t touch much in public because we both don’t like it, only a gentle pad on the shoulder, unintentional touches of your hands while we are walking, holding hands secretly in the darkness of the cinema. We save our touches for intimate moments when we are alone. Only him and me. Feels good. So good.

 

Sitting here I notice I’m writing with trembling fingers, the pen “breathing” letters on the paper as if it wouldn’t dare to stop my thoughts. I read the last words again just to get sure I did them right.

 

Casey. He asked me tonight “Do you know what I always wanted?”

Before I could shake my head he embraced me and said “I wanted to fall right into the arms of the man I really want, the man I love. It’s just… it’s you, Zeke…”

There it was – this immense overwhelming “forever” feeling. It wouldn’t have been possible months ago … I’m not ashamed anymore, I’m not embarrassed in telling him “I love you, too.” – but only in my diary. So I’m the one for him as he’s the one for me?

 

I didn’t know I’d ever find someone who can keep my attention, my interest, who can catch my heart. Mr. Right is hard to find but I’ve found him.

 

About the hawks in my dream :

Hawks symbolize freedom. If the hawk is caged it might mean that you’re not able to express your inner self.

 

I’ll work on it.

No.

 

I AM working on it.

 

Because I want to keep my Casey.

 

Result of today: it was a good day. I liked it. No anger.

I love my Casey.
 



Good night, my friends. Have a wonderful weekend!
Love,
Julchen

Comments

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

This is lovely, with its look into Zeke's heart and mind. I like the idea that he would keep a diary for all his secret thoughts and feelings.

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Julia. I think a diary would be wonderful for Zeke to share all his secrets ...

[romeny.livejournal.com]

Finally everyone is gone, now I have the place all to myself

When all's right with the world solitude can be cherished; I like how Casey is never far from Zeke's thoughts.

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

I think Casey's closer to Zeke as Zeke will ever know :-)
Thanks for your lovingly words, my dear.

[honeyandvinegar.livejournal.com]

I AM working on it.

Because I want to keep my Casey.

Result of today: it was a good day. I liked it. No anger.

I love my Casey.

*wibbles HARD* Honey, I love it. Zeke and his Casey... it's so right and good. Thank you so very, very much, as always. *LOVES*!

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

Awwww, I'm so glad you like it, honey.

"Zeke and his Casey ... it's so right and good."

Word to this!

Many many thanks to the virtual gift you gave me. You made me smile all day long :-)

[prisca1960.livejournal.com]

Oh, Zeke writes a diary? It's so interesting to see all his feelings and thoughts. I just hope, there will be more ...

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dearie!

Maybe there will be more sometime *giggles*
Diaries are fascinating, right?

*hugs tight*

[i-o-r-h-a-e-l.livejournal.com]

You know what this reminds me of? Those self-help books that come in the form of diaries. :)

Perhaps you should make one complete book for Zeke's (and Casey's) dream diary.

:)

*loves*

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

"Those self-help books that come in the form of diaries. :) "

Awww, you're so good to me, sweetie. Thanks a lot!

*clings to you*

[babydracky.livejournal.com]

Awwwww!!!!
I love it! It is so beautiful!
Hmm Zeke as an Hawk perfectly fits^^

I love that Zeke is the one writing a diary and well it is logical because he would be the one who wouldn't be able to share his feelings openly, isn't he
But now he has his M. Right and he'll be free even when belonging to someone!

You did great, hon, as always!^^
♥

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

"I love that Zeke is the one writing a diary and well it is logical because he would be the one who wouldn't be able to share his feelings openly.."

You're so right, baby. I'm glad this little "thing" worked for you and you LOVE it!!! *twirls you around*

Thank you soooo much for your beautiful words, my dear.

Love and hugs,
Julchen

[aliensouldream.livejournal.com]

I loved reading Zeke's diary! I wonder what age he kept it from, and what secrets it contains. I notice that he put 'no anger' at the end there. Maybe the diary usually records his anger. Maybe it's where he vents about all the things in his life that cause him pain, the anguish and fury that he surpresses and displaces in his daily life. There must be good things in there too, I imagine, if he can bear to re-read them. Maybe records of his experiments, his thoughts as he grows to be a man. And those mysterious dreams he loves to try and unravel.

But now there's Casey, moulding him in new ways. It's so true that what draws us to a person is often a quest for inspiration. We are looking not to complete ourselves but to go beyond ourselves. People who believe in our potential are inspiring.

I really like that idea that we're dreaming while we're awake, and I love the image of the pen "breathing" letters on the paper.
Only a few months, but their lives are changed forever. And now Zeke is learning to try his wings. Or at least know that he might.

Beautiful, dear. I hope we see more from the Dream Diary!

*hugs*

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

Look at you struggle with ideas!! You gave some killer feedback here. This is so very encouraging, it really makes me feel so good in posting this. I'm always so afraid that - whatever it is - won't be good enough.

Thanks a lot, my sweet muse.

I think there will be MORE entries Zeke wants to share with us :-)

Love and snugglehugs,
Julchen

[addie71.livejournal.com]

This is so lovely, Julchen. I love that Zeke has a safe place to go to say what he feels. Maybe someday he will be able to tell Casey himself that he loves him.

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

Awww, thank you addie!

"Maybe someday he will be able to tell Casey himself that he loves him."

Fingers crossed that he'll find the courage to do so :-))

*snuggles closer*