Kingdom of Loneliness

[julchen11]

This is for my dear friend   babydracky 
Thanks for your friendship, lovey!

Banner made by our sweetheart and my muse aliensouldream 
Thanks a lot for everything, dear!

Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
          Letter 14
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: G

Dear Casey,

 

I woke up this morning with you cuddled up right beside me. My eyes are burning and I'm exhausted. I never cried that much, usually I don't cry easily, it makes me feel weak, ashamed, embarrassed. Happy? I don't know. The way you touched me - not only with your hands - Casey … made me shiver. I wanted to be the strong one. I have to be the stronger one. I don't know what you are doing to me and I don't know whether I like it or not. I can still feel your hands on my body, your lips on my skin…

 

When I was laying on the floor I felt so warm and … beloved. When you put your head over my heart I couldn't think anymore. You kissed the place where my heart is and asked me quietly if you could pull off my shirt.

"Why, Casey?"

"Because I want to listen to your heartbeat, I want to know how loud and fast your heart beats. I want to know how it feels to touch your skin there, how soft it is…"

This kind of touch was very different to everything I knew so far.

It would have been easy to make love last night yet we didn't. Not in that usual kind of way. When your hands roamed across my chest, to my shoulders, down to my arms, to stop at my heart again – this was so very intense. I was scared and wanted you to stop, I wanted you to go on as well. I felt very comfortable but it scared the shit out of me. I couldn't look at you, this would have been to much … I almost lost control.

 

I begged and prayed with my eyes closed 'don't let it be a dream…'.

It wasn't a dream and yet it was. I wanted to take you, hard and wild, but I didn't because I couldn't. It's not that I didn't try to go further, to move on … but as soon as I felt your lips on my skin  I couldn't move anymore.

 

I gave you nothing and everything. Usually I take what I want, now you showed me another way.

It's not this see-you-want-you-got-you-end-of-story-thing, though it would be better for you to leave me alone. It was so hard for me to hold back, so very hard. What is this, Casey?

Is it pity? Is it more? Will you regret it today? Will you laugh at me because of my weakness last night? How will it be when you tell me we should forget about it? If it was only a one-night-stand-thing? As I said – nothing and everything happened.

No. We are almost fully dressed besides my opened shirt and our socks. What do you think of me, Casey? What did you expect?

You defeated me, you won. Am I the looser. Looser of my senses ? I can’t stand this. I simply can’t. It feels wonderful and horrible the same time.

 

I should send you away – it would be the best. It would be more hard if you would leave me. Sooner or later. Today. Tomorrow. Next week. It will hurt but I'll survive as I survived the past. You will leave me, I know it. No one could deal with it…me… so far, so why should you be an exception.

What do I want? If I only would know. God, I'm a liar. I want you but it's too much …

For me… for you… for us.

It breaks my heart that I've to send you away, maybe it will break me. Me and my fucking pride. No, just my heart. Only my heart. I can’t let this happen at the moment.

 

You're moving – only to get closer to me. Your hair smells like vanilla, it's so soft and shiny. I can't stop watching you. For the last time. When you're awake I must send you away. It will hurt only one time.

 

I feel nauseous. Tiptoeing to the bathroom, looking at the mirror makes me hold my breath. Eyes swollen, nose pink, lips cracked – I bit them last night to keep quiet until I could taste blood. This morning the real Zeke is looking at me, it hurts more than the lie I have to tell you.

Do I like you? Yes and … no

Do I adore you? Yes and no.

Do I admire you? No and yes.

Do I … love you?

Or is it pure lust? Not only …

Is it desire? Yes, oh yes.

If you regret last night it will be easier for you to go.

Will you regret it?

Do I regret it? Yes and no…

What the hell have I done? You asked me if you should stop several times, I wish I would have had the power to say 'yes'… I said no – because I was … curious. Come on, Tyler.

It wasn't curiosity. The truth will remain – unsaid.

 

I'm running in circles around Casey. This has to stop.

I wish … no… I'll send him away, for his own sake.

 

I'm sad.
 
Zeke.

.

 

Comments

[prisca1960.livejournal.com]

You can send him away, Zeke ... but he will come back ... he can see behind all your coolness and toughness. He wants you as much as you want him!

I wanted to be the strong one. I have to be the stronger one. No, you don't have to be!

It would have been easy to make love last night yet we didn't. Not in that usual kind of way. What is usual? Love = sex - yeah, it can be, but it don 't HAVE to be! Love can be so much more.

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

"He wants you as much as you want him!"
Zeke has still a lot to learn and to realize.

"Love can be so much more..."

More than true, honey.

Thanks a lot!
*hugs*

[babydracky.livejournal.com]

Oh my!!! You wrote it for me!!! Thank you so much, Honey!!!♥♥♥
I like it !! It is so beautiful though so sad!
Now Zeke is scared of what he's done because he showed Casey the true Zeke, the one nobody saw, the one he himself doesn't like but he just doesn't understand that Casey loves all the Zeke and much more that one!^^
I can't wait to read what will happen when Casey wake up!^^
*HUGS YOU TIGHT*

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

Thank YOU, sweetheart!!! I'm very happy you like it.
It's Zeke's fear that makes him want to end it before it's too late.
Too late for what? We'll see.
Next chapter is up, honey!

Love,
Julchen

[addie71.livejournal.com]

I'll send him away, for his own sake. - I don't think Casey will go no matter what Zeke does.

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

"I don't think Casey will go no matter what Zeke does."

He's a little fighter, but he's proud, too. Sometimes love just needs a little time.

Thanks you, addie!
*hugs tight*

[i-o-r-h-a-e-l.livejournal.com]

Oh, why, Zeke?

*cries*

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

*whipes your tears away*
Next chapter is up, sweetie!
*snuggles closer*

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

You write with such beautiful power and emotion. Zeke may think he can send Casey away, but I don't think it's possible. Casey's not one to give up.

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

No, Casey is definitely not the person who gives up easily, right ?
Thank you so much for your lovingly words, my dear.
*hugs*

[aliensouldream.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is such a moving and sensous chapter. The images of Casey, touching Zeke so softly and gently, with such courage and trust, just moves me deeply. I really feel like they make love here, even if Zeke thinks they didn't. The barriers that are crossed, the emotional catharsis that Zeke experiences, Casey's evident joy in being with him, say otherwise. For some reason, I find Zeke's immobility quite erotic. His heart is racing and he's feeling every single fingertip touch with heightened intensity. Because he has divested himself of the need to respond, he focuses intensely on what is being done to him and how it makes him feel. Every detail described makes me shiver in delight for them. Until Zeke makes his heartbreaking decision.

And now he is pouring his heart out about this night, it meant so much to him. But he's so troubled and confused.

Do I like you? Yes and … no

Do I adore you? Yes and no.

Do I admire you? No and yes.

Do I … love you?

Or is it pure lust? Not only …

Is it desire? Yes, oh yes.

He's struggling with such overwhelming emotions and seems to be lost and in pain. Oh, how can he send Casey away after the most important night of their lives?? I hope they manage to save each other!

Don't forget to post all your chapters in jacked_up, dear. I'll be back with more FB on the other chapter tomorrow.

*hugs you so much*

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

Your words blew me away, dear. Thank you so much!!!
Love is never easy and Zeke is a very complicated person. His main problem is he doesn't trust himself, so how could he trust Casey? There's still so much darkness inside him so this was inevitable. It's understandable that Casey left him, isn't it? He's strong and he'll make it through this somehow.

As usual I forgot to post it in jacked_up. Will do this this afternoon. Thanks for reminding me.

Love and big tight hugs,
Julchen