This is one of my favorite roses called "Spirit of Freedom" ...
I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend.
Good night, my dears!
Love,
Julchen
This is for my dear friend
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i_o_r_h_a_e_l . Thank you for everything, darling!Title: CHANGES - chapter 12 - Slow Down
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: PG
“Casey… Aaron is my … grandfather? Could you read the passage again, please.”
After he finished I’m getting sick. No. This can’t be. It simply can’t be…
He’s my grandfather. I’m living side by side with my grandfather and I had no clue. Why didn’t she talk to me? Why didn’t he talk to me. EARLIER!
Am I happy? No. Am I sad? NO. I am angry, disappointed, hurt…
“Zeke. You’re ok?”
“No. Casey. No. I don’t know what to say let alone think of it…”
Casey reaches out, draws me in … “I’ve been alone for more than 3 years since my grandma passed away. Why does everybody want me that strong, Casey? Why can’t I be a child only for one time. With need for protection, for closeness, for someone who cares for ME? Why didn’t they see THIS Zeke? No exception, neither my grandma, my grandfather who isn’t my real grandpa, my real grandfather, my mother nor my father… They all lied to me. Though it isn’t even a lie.”
Just in time I make it to the bathroom, I can’t remember when I felt that sick and weak.
“Zeke?” How long am I here… hugging the toilet if it could safe me. “Zeke?”
“May I help you, Zeke?” Hugging the toilet?
“NO!!!” I’m nearly barking. Calm down, Ezekiel. It isn’t his fault. “I’m sorry Casey, didn’t mean to …”
“It’s ok, Zeke. I’ll get you some tea, maybe this will help a little…”
I don’t need a fucking cup of tea! Shit! Shit! Shit!
I’m drowning in self-pity. And I want it, it’s not that I like it but I want to be pitiful.
“Casey… What shall I do now?” When he wraps his arms around me, kneeling beside me on the floor I feel wrapped in a circle of warmth and strength. This feels so good, so right.
“Make me a promise, Casey…” He frowns… “No secrets, Casey. No lies. Never…”
He pulls me closer, puts a little kiss on the top of my head “Promised. No secrets. No lies. Come on, lets go back to the living room. You’re cold…”
Suddenly my heart feels calm, with Casey by my side the world seems simple. I have family. Casey’s my family. I trust him.
Aaron, he’s family, too. Do I still trust him?
“You can trust him, Zeke. I’m sure there’s a reason why he didn’t tell you earlier that he’s your grandfather. I’m sure he loves you as much as your grandma did.”
Sounds good but feels absurd. This love feels like a knife.
“Zeke. Only love can hurt your heart…”
What would I do without Casey?
On our way back to his parents we keep quiet. He senses that I don’t wanna talk too much.
“Casey. I hope you parents won’t be angry that I want to decline the invitation for lunch tomorrow.”
He looks a bit sad. But I’m sure he understands. “Of course, Zeke. Don’t worry. Maybe I could come over in the afternoon?”
Always careful Casey. “I’d like that. I want to start tiling the kitchen floor. You just could keep me company.”
“May I help you? Or maybe we could visit Aaron.”
“You want to help me, that’s ok. I’m sure it’ll become great. By the way I’ve chosen the black and white tiles.”
“What about Aaron?”
“We’ll talk about it tomorrow, k? I just need a break.”
“K… You took the black and white tiles?” He knows exactly how to change the subject.But I like it. Especially now.
“Yep. You liked them the most…”
“But it’s your kitchen and dining corner… ehem… dining room…”
This makes me smile again. Dining corner. Because it’s really tiny not as big as Mrs. C’s.
“It’s not only my kitchen someday, hopefully…” I’m whispering. It seems he didn’t hear it. Good. Slipped out of my mouth before thinking.
We’re there. Casey has to go, I didn’t think it to be that hard saying good-bye. I wish he could stay. I wish I could stay.
“Nite, Casey.”
“Good night, Zeke. Take care.”
We’re watching the rain, noticing the lamp lights in the pools and its sublime reflection in the water. It is time getting back home.
“Zeke!!!”
There it is again. The killer attack!
“What?”
“Would you kiss me good-bye, PLEASE?”
I have to chuckle, no to laugh. Loud and hard. I’m still laughing while we’re kissing.
“Night, Mr. Tyler! You’re impertinent! Laughing at me while I’m trying to show you how to kiss…” But his eyes show me … good god, he really loves me!
This makes me laugh even more. Yes. It’s good having Casey around.
He’ll help me through this crap. And slowly there’s a slight feeling of happiness. Because of him and a tiny little bit because of Aaron. My grandpa.
Watching him walking away from me is hard to bear.
As I said – I wish I could stay.
Tbc…
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Date: 2009-05-03 02:11 am (UTC)From:Sleep tight, dear one.
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Date: 2009-05-05 09:10 pm (UTC)From:If I only would know, LOL.
More will be coming soon, honey.
Thanks a lot, darling!
*hugs very tight*
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Date: 2009-05-03 07:17 am (UTC)From:I didn't think about this before, but Addie's comment gives me pause for thought. What is HE thinking? What are YOU thinking? You don't let him go, do you ??? Though, like I said before, it's never as easy as it could be, because it's Zeke! Hmpf ...
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Date: 2009-05-05 09:16 pm (UTC)From:I'm glad you like it, sweetie! Thanks a lot!!!
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Date: 2009-05-03 02:02 pm (UTC)From:Family secrets are always so devastating!!
*hugs tight*
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Date: 2009-05-05 09:18 pm (UTC)From:*hugs back more tight*
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Date: 2009-05-03 02:19 pm (UTC)From:I'm with everyone else here, what's up with that? Poor Zeke is so tortured. Also, I'm going to have to go back because I must have missed a chapter. lol
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Date: 2009-05-05 09:19 pm (UTC)From:"I wish I could stay" - what's up with that? How should I know, honey? I'll go to ask Zeke, k? *giggles*
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Date: 2009-05-03 03:38 pm (UTC)From:*hugs you tight*
Thank you so much, dear.
But yeah. Poor Zeke. I wish he could believe for once that things are going to get better.
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Date: 2009-05-05 09:20 pm (UTC)From:Zeke isn't alone anymore, be sure Casey will help him to cope with it :-)
Love and biiiiggest hugs,
Julchen
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Date: 2009-05-03 03:56 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-05-05 09:21 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-05-03 10:02 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-05-05 09:25 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-05-04 04:21 am (UTC)From:I’m drowning in self-pity. And I want it, it’s not that I like it but I want to be pitiful.
God, that's good angst, baby! *weeps and cheers at the same time*!
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Date: 2009-05-05 09:26 pm (UTC)From:Who won't blame Zeke for being that confused, hurt and angry. But there's his Casey ... his soulmate. And this should help him, right?
Love and hugs,
Julchen
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Date: 2009-05-18 01:47 pm (UTC)From:Thank you! Enjoyed this a lot - I just hope the last line doesn't mean there's sadness on the way!
*hugs*
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Date: 2009-05-24 12:28 pm (UTC)From:*hugs back*